I have seen this view often in the short seven years I’ve known my husband both as a friend and as a lover. The leaps of faith he takes into new territories, unknown futures, and adventures of trusting and obeying God have always challenged me and given me the courage to jump in after him. I’m so thankful for his leadership and his ability to lay down his rights before Jesus. Although, to be honest, the moments before I experience the thrill of flying, I’m always annoyed and anxious that he’s put me in that position to jump! I know he loves me because afterward I’ll be like “omg, you were so right! Everything is okay! This is so fun!”, and he’ll just take my hand and never say “I told you so”. ^^
In the past few weeks, I’ve struggled watching Jeremiah prepare for another plunge in terms of our next step after DTS. I’m not ready!… How can you even think to jump?!… We don’t even see the bottom of this cliff!… How can you be sure this is God?!
The path is so narrow ya’ll. (I have roommates from Texas and they are rubbing off on me). It is so difficult to lay down my rights, pick up my cross and follow Him. Sure, it’s easy to trust God in certain areas of our lives, as long as we have the stable paycheck, a car, our own place, access to Trader Joe’s, and our family and friends…But I am still so afraid to trust God in all areas of my life and it’s hard to give up all of these rights I feel entitled to. Not only that, I’m so afraid of hearing God’s voice wrong! It makes me immobile!
As each week is progressing into deeper and more difficult topics of teaching here at DTS, I’ve been undergoing several moments of deconstruction and restoration as God is continually pulling out lies and replacing them with truth in my heart. There are so many lies I’ve let myself believe that have rooted into fear and distrust in God…God’s ministers in full-time ministry sacrifice so much needlessly, your friends and parents will think you are irresponsible and foolish if you can’t financially support yourself, you have the potential and education to “make it big” and do “big things” for God, and you’re wasting it away, if you do hear wrong then it’s the end of the world…
I am still on top of that cliff; sometimes pacing, sometimes meditating sometimes arguing with God, arguing with Jeremiah, arguing with myself… But, I’m still okay. I’m not ready to jump just yet, but I’m still okay. Jesus is taking my broken, hurt, selfish heart and penetrating my darkness with his gentle Love. Oh, it hurts, but it’s beautiful and it’s good. It’s so good.
Jesus, thank you. And, I love you so much.